that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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