i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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