I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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