Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
