Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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