she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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