You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
