So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
