I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
where are you?
Hypothermia
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
