Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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