The brown eye won't let me do that either.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
