So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
