So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
