On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
