Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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