There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
