They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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