made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
