I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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