All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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