I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize