my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
