I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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