according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
