Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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