Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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