You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
