you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
