I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
