after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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