I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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