At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
