If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
