I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
