My hand turned me down
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
