She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize