i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
