After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
