i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
