he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
