I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
