he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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