A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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