I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize