I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
