Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
