I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
