I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
