I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
