I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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