At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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