I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize