its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize