You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I think I just sharted jello shots
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