either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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