I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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