My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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